Business as Unusual
by Tempest Wysp
Summary: You can't have 'business' without 'sin'. Due to unforeseen events, things at Hogwarts get a little ... iffy. This is a story of Passion! Secrets! Darkness! Magic! Friendship! And 1000 Acromantula! Warning: May be just a tad of AU.
1. A Brief History

_Prologue:_

_A Brief History of the Events that Occurred During the Boy Who Lived's Time at Hogwarts_

In the time between his eleventh birthday and his twelfth Harry Potter thought that he was an ordinary boy - until he was rescued by a beetle-eyed giant of a man, enrolled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, learnt to play Quidditch and did battle in a deadly duel. Events that are out of the ordinary, even for wizards. Luckily, Harry defeated the infinitely more powerful Dark Lord, won the House Cup for Gryffindor and acquired a photo album of his dead parents as a quest reward.

His second year at Hogwarts was rather less eventful. This is because of the actions of a certain Ginny Weasley - a girl who, instead of writing in the blank book she found hidden in the pages of her second-hand copy of _A Beginners' Guide to Transfiguration_ (by Emeric Switch), simply tossed it aside and continued to read up on how to turn a matchstick into a needle.  
>Harry did get rescued from his prison cell, sorry, <em>bedroom<em> by flying car, did visit the Burrow and did join his best friend Ron in flying aforesaid car to school and then crashing it into the Whomping Willow - but that was as far as it went. The year ended with Gryffindor winning the House Cup - despite the fact that they had, in a rather spectacular fashion, lost their final match of Quidditch 340-20 to Ravenclaw - as Harry Potter earned extra house-points for ousting Professor Lockhart as a fraud.  
>One Ravenclaw girl became convinced that this was all a ploy to get Gryffindor to win the House Cup for every year that Harry attended and thusly boost his reputation. She may have been right.<p>

When Harry turned thirteen it became time for him, along with his best friends Ron and Hermione, to go back for their third year at Hogwarts and the atmosphere was extremely tense. There was an escaped mass-murderer on the loose (although it turned out the escapee wasn't a mass-murderer and the mass-murderer didn't escape until the end of the year), and the sinister prison guards of Azkaban had been called in to guard the school - although, in retrospect, that didn't really work out that well considering that Sirius Black managed to infiltrate the school grounds anyway and the Dementors decided to go after the soul of Harry rather than the supposed 'wanted criminal' that they had orders to attack.  
>Nevertheless Gryffindor won the House Cup and even managed to get hold of the Quidditch Cup to boot - further cementing Morag MacDougal's theory on Dumbledore's bias towards Gryffindor.<p>

In fourth year, Harry was illegally entered into a highly dangerous interschool contest by a minion of his ultimate nemesis who, at the time, was posing as a paranoid but definitely skilled Dark Wizard Catcher (or Auror, as the official title was) and, against all odds, completed all the tasks and survived the return of Lord Voldemort, managing to: defeat a Hungarian Horntail - which, according to _Fantastic Beasts & Where To Find Them_, is "supposedly the most dangerous of all dragon breeds" and has "one of the longest fire-breathing ranges (up to fifty feet)" - using a charm he had mastered only hours before and the broomstick given to him by his criminal godfather; find a date to the Yule Ball - after turning numerous potential dates - even though he only wanted one so that he wouldn't look like an unpopular prat; execute an underwater rescue - and get an extra points awarded for "moral fibre" - using Gillyweed obtained by his blind trust in a House Elf that had previously tried to grievously injure him; make his way to the centre of the maze that had grown up in the middle of his much beloved Quidditch Pitch - admittedly with the help of a minion of his ultimate nemesis who, at the time, was posing as his Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor - although drawing with the first-chosen Champion of his school and finally sit through the Dark Lord's So Very Evil monologue before duelling aforementioned Lord of Darkness, grabbing the body of the first-chosen Champion of his school and escaping back to aforementioned School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And he still, inexplicably, managed to procure the House Cup for Gryffindor - despite the fact that it might have been nice to award extra points to Cedric Diggory's House for having a member of said House being brutally murdered by the rat-Animagus minion of Voldemort.  
>Morag spent the rest of the week trying to convince her classmates that it was all a conspiracy but, unfortunately, no-one believed her (except from a pale blonde girl a year below her but everyone knew that she was insane so that didn't count).<p>

Which brings us to his fifth year.


	2. A Waste of Parchment

_Chapter One:_

_A Waste of Parchment_

* * *

><p>Dear A.F.,<p>

We are extremely glad of your enlistment to our society and we hope we can aid you in finding the perfect person - be it for friendship or something more. We have attached to this letter a list of people who share your interests and who we think you will get along with. Please remember that you have nothing to have fear from exchanging letters as our society is entirely anonymous.

Yours,

Samantha Joye

_Friendships, Relationships Etcetera - Assisting Kadooments for Squibs_

* * *

><p>Dear S.B.,<p>

I know my parents - my father, in particular - would not be at all pleased if they knew I was writing to you but I have decided that I can not last an entire summer without doing so. So here I am, in the dead of night, scrawling this hastily-written note to you to reassure as best I can that I still adore you - as if you should ever have any doubts about our love! - and that I would rather die than part from you.

It is for this reason that I do not write my name or yours, in the hopes that if my parents see these letters then I would be able to pass them off for something I intercepted between two others. I pray that you will not let these tokens of our devotion fall into the wrong hands and that you will always love me as I do you.

Forever Yours,

D.M.

* * *

><p>Dear Harry,<p>

How are you, mate? The Muggles treating you alright? If they're not then I'll get Fred and George to go over there and force-feed them so Nosebleed Nougat - they haven't quite finished that one so he'll keep bleeding 'til he shrivels up but he sounds like he deserves it.

We can't say much about you-know-what, obviously, but I'll tell you what I've found out later.

Don't let the Muggles get to you! Hope you're alright,

- Ron

* * *

><p>Dear P.D.,<p>

We are extremely glad of your enlistment to our society and we hope we can aid you in finding the perfect person - be it for friendship or something more. We have attached to this letter a list of people who share your interests and who we think you will get along with. Please remember that you have nothing to have fear from exchanging letters as our society is entirely anonymous.

Yours,

Samantha Joye

_Friendships, Relationships Etcetera - Assisting Kadooments for Squibs_

* * *

><p>Dear D.M.,<p>

I miss you and I wish you were here in Spain with me. I'm not really sure what to tell you; the weather is sunny, my cousins are annoying me, I love you more than words can say. Everything is as can be expected.

I only hope that you shall love me half as much as I do you - I know wishing for our love to be equal is hopeless.

Forever Yours,

S. "Juliet" B.

* * *

><p>Dear Harry,<p>

I do hope you're alright; Ron and I are worried about you.

I'm sorry I can't tell you everything at the moment, there's a fair amount going on; we'll tell you everything when we see you.

Ginny's calling me now - I think Fred and George may have jinxed Crookshanks so I'd better go.

Love from Hermione

P.S. Please try to stay out of trouble!

* * *

><p>Dear S.B.,<p>

It sounds brilliant, I miss you and I wish I was there too. But merely being with you - be it in Spain or Antarctica - is pure Heaven.

I shall never be more enthralled with you - or less, as our love can never die - as I am this day and I know that nothing anybody could ever feel, before or since, will ever compare.

Forever Yours,

D.M.

P.S. 'Juliet'?

* * *

><p>Dear Mr Potter,<p>

We have received intelligence that you performed the Patronus Charm at twenty-three minutes past nine this evening in a Muggle-inhabited area and in the presence of a Muggle.

The severity of this breach of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery has resulted in your expulsion from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand.

As you have already received an official warning for a previous offence under Section 13 of the International Confederation of Warlocks' Statue of Secrecy, we regret to inform you that your presence is required at a disciplinary hearing at the Ministry of Magic at 9 a.m. on the twelfth of August.

Hoping you are well,

Mafalda Hopkirk

_Improper Use of Magic Office_

_Ministry of Magic_

* * *

><p>Harry -<p>

Dumbledore's just arrived at the Ministry and he's trying to sort it all out. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE'S HOUSE. DO NOT DO ANY MORE MAGIC. DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR WAND.

Arthur Weasley

* * *

><p>Dear Mr. Potter,<p>

Further to our letter of approximately twenty-two minutes ago, the Ministry of Magic has revised its decision to destroy your wand forth-with. You may retain your wand until your disciplinary hearing on the twelfth of August, at which time an official decision will be taken.

Following discussions with the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the Ministry has agreed that the question of your expulsion will also be decided at that time. You should therefore consider yourself suspended from school pending further enquiries.

With best wishes,

Yours sincerely,

Mafalda Hopkirk,

_Improper Use of Magic Office_

_Ministry of Magic_

* * *

><p>Remember my last, Petunia.<p>

* * *

><p>I've just been attacked by Dementors and I might be expelled from Hogwarts. I want to know what's going on and when I'm going to get out of here.<p>

- Harry

* * *

><p>Dear D.M.,<p>

Juliet is a character in a Muggle play called _Romeo and Juliet_ that my cousin - who's taking Muggle Studies - has lent me. It's about two feuding families and how the daughter from one family and the son from the other fall in love. Sound familiar?

Needless to say, I love you.

Forever Yours,

S.B.

* * *

><p>Dear P.D.,<p>

I have got in touch with you via _Friendships, Relationships Etcetera - Assisting Kadooments for Squibs_ and I think that we have a lot in common. I would be honoured if we could write to each other regularly as I would like to find out more about you.

Yours,

A.F.


End file.
